I think it's symbolic that this post was actually the third that I started to write (on 10/18), but has been hanging out in my drafts because I haven't known exactly what to say, or been bold enough to say it. Most people who know me have no idea. But think I want to change this. I'm not sure. I'll let you know if I ever decide to actually post this.
Somehow, hiding what I love to do has become a habit with me. Even here, if I write more than one post at a time, I wait and publish it on a different day so I do not seem too eager. Ever since I remember, I have loved to learn. In first grade, I got sick and was out of school for several days. I wanted to do the pages in my workbook that I'd missed, but my teacher told me, "It's fine, you don't need to make it up." That pretty much sums up school for me. I wanted more but was told I could do less since I already "got it." Or if I did get more in some form, I was supposed to figure things out on my own, like "Here's the math book, you can work ahead, maybe one or two of your classmates can figure it out with you."
As the years passed in school, eventually I just wanted to belong. By high school, I would only do my best if it was something totally private, like a test or an assignment only the teacher would see. Sometimes other students would "catch me" going way above and beyond what I needed to do and I would feel embarrased. I hated papers being read aloud "anonymously" in class and everyone trying to figure out who wrote it.
I love to learn. There. I'm out of the I'd-rather-learn-than-most-anything closet. I found another entry on another blog about being a Doman mom in hiding. Hopefully my nerdiness (and other things) can finally pay off for my son, and maybe other children, but often I am too shy or afraid of criticism to speak up.
This doesn't seem like much of a holiday post, but I finally feel ready to put it out there. Maybe.